i love you i hope you feel this i know you feel this regardless of whatever is happening i know you do the other day i cleaned out my drawers looking for my fake and i thought i had given all your stuff back but i found som me if your shirts and it felt like a sign i don’t know i hope you are sleeping sweet and i hope you are alone and i will see you soon one day some day
but the thing now is none of it matters none of it matters at all. it wouldn’t matter if instead of kissing me he got angry and told me i really didn’t mean much because he was drunk and the truth could’ve come out. it doesn’t matter that someone noticed our glowing love. none of it made us strong enough to endure and last. he has a new girl now and she fits better and she’s older and more settled down and i have a feeling they will be much better than us. that feeling and knowing of her and seeing it all hurts very bad. it feels like my heart breaks all over again every time his face appears behind my eyes. it’s just clarification we were nothing. we were never forever and he did the same to me as every girl. moved on and found a new one to love. it just makes me very sad. i don’t have words for it. i don’t understand why i have to love him still. i don’t understand why i had to see forever and believe that elijah did too. i don’t understand why i has to make something of and hold onto all those insignificant moments that were special to me just because i love him. i just don’t think i deserve to feel this way. i don’t think anyone does. it’s so frustrating because there’s nothing i can about it. i can’t make him love me i can’t make him see what i see I can’t force him to tell me what he was thinking all those times he filled my heart with empty words i can’t read his mind or tell the future i can only feel the emptiness and pain and confusion that fills my heart now. and you would think after all of his broken promises and empty words and the fact that he has someone else a better fit that makes it clear we were nothing that makes it clear i was just another you’d think my heart would let it go or push it down far enough or realize it doesnt matter how long i hold on because none of it matters none of it was real but still my heart breaks everyday like he just left yesterday. you’d think my heart would forget the special times because in reality they weren’t special and they only hurt but instead my heart holds on and reminds me and teases me with feelings of his soft kisses and the sound of him saying my name. but my heart doesn’t get excited over anything else like there’s no allure in anything without him here. i just want to be happy for the things i should be happy about at least. but the stinging from elijah burns away all my other happiness before i can feel any of it. i’m so tired i am so tired of drowning in sadness secretly and hiding and pretending and i really want it to go away and i force myself to do things that could make me happier and i tell myself to let go and that it is over and to learn my lesson and take that and go but still he holds my heart in his hands. a sullen heart refuses to forget or go or progress. i am just stuck and i am just so tired.
i’m on the plane to NYC. my sister gave me some of her anxiety medication and I’m very glad because I got anxiety before the flight and I always get anxiety in the apartment. I hope maybe it’ll make me numb too. my heart still stings over elijah every a lot. tears fall over him everyday still after all these months. I went to my hesh playlist and shuffled it and the first song that came on was seaside by the kooks a song elijah sent me that always leaves me with daydreams of the day we went to point mugu and just melded for hours enjoying each other’s presence n softness. a random guy came up to us and told us he could see we had something special and to hold onto it and fight for it. he took pictures of us kissing in the sunset. later that night elijah told me he loved me and i just melted thinking we were real and true. memories of him flood my mind and they are all so delicate and special to me. recently i was thinking about the night he got very drunk and fell. he threw up and bren was holding him up and i went over and he immediately just smiled and kissed me. bren laughed and said ew but nothing about him could ever gross me out. his mom and i had to undress his together and the next day we spent 4 hours in the ER and he was just so in pain and hungover. obviously the night didn’t go the best but i loved that night and the next day just because i could feel us growing closer and stronger. i felt like i somewhat bonded with his mom. i don’t know. it just added to my good feelings about us. i was happy to take care of him.
for a while
i tried to ignore the pain
and hoped it would just fade away
but it all felt the same
and you know what they say
no pain no gain
so i let it all seep in
and eat me alive
every time i would feel your kisses
i would just accept them and cry
and lie
over and over
to everyone i know
cause i know
i should not care by now
i should be on to the next by now
but nothing seems to make you fade away
whether i force it down
or feel it weighting me down
it just stays
day after day and i cannot be myself
when i hear you say
i love you in my mind
making me question
what is real
and what is fake
like is that really elijah
or am i just lost in time
trying to remember
when it was me and mine
trying to accept that you are
completely fine
while i fall apart
and beg for vague signs
that tell me nothing
besides the fact that
love is not kind
i think if i was not supposed to love you i would not anymore i think i would have moved on already and i think i would feel it i think i would be able to tell in my gut that i am not supposed to love you that you are not good for me and that you will never be with me again but i think i keep loving you for a reason i do not know what the reason is but maybe in a few months or years or even just weeks maybe it will start to make sense maybe you will become one of my best friends if you move to new york eventually or maybe i will run into you in a random restaurant and we will both be free and happy and we will gracefully embrace and share soft kisses again or maybe i am just supposed to love you until i realize that i do not know a single fucking thing and that my intuition means nothing and it will hurt until i force myself to stop loving you who knows why i still love you right now but i know i will know one day.
i lost my last friend here and i think the point is that i am just not supposed to be here i think God is trying to make me so miserable here that i am forced to leave.
i don’t care if i never see you again i don’t care if you hate me or you forget me or you find someone else tomorrow i just don’t want to feel this way anymore i don’t think you understand how sad i am i don’t think you understand the way i’m drowning and i can’t do it anymore i don’t care if we never meant a thing i would accept anything to stop feeling this way
fuck you for saying we weren’t meant to be on each other’s paths in the sense of us together. what the fuck does that mean? that you were meant to break my heart? i hate you and i wish i never met you i really do you haven’t made me any better at all you’ve just made me sad and weak and dependent and i never wanted to be this way and i never was. i wish i never wanted you to come back even before we were together. even in july of 2017 before we were ever anything i wish i hadn’t met you and felt anything for you i wish i hadn’t wished to know you better because you are nothing what i thought you would be and i hate you for coming into my life
